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JOKE JOKES ...

You've got to be able to take something with you ... besides a T-Shirt ... right!  So I've put together a list of what comedians refer to as Joke-Jokes or jokes you'd hear at a bar or the office ... you know, the regular ones.  Well here is a rather long list of Joke-Jokes in no particular order that I have heard and been sent over the years.  Some you probably have heard already or have forgotten about.  Some may even be new ... but regardless, they'll all make you laugh.  Well most of them anyway!

If you've got a funny joke you think I should include, just click on the 'E-Mail Tim' button to the located over to left  ... your other left ... then just shoot me an e-mail with your joke .

MARRIED IRISHMAN ...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."  The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"  The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."  The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You're not to see that woman again.  For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."  The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.  He paused for a moment and then started to leave.  The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"  The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

AN IRISHMAN NEEDS A DRINK ...

BLONDE ROBBERS ...

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy, plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail. The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?" "Perfectly," said Buffie.  Buffie goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car.  One minute passes . . . Two minutes pass . . . Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie.  She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!" Buffie said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!" "No, you idiot, said Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"


HAIRY WOMAN ...

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patron and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"


50TH ANNIVERSARY ...

An elderly couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke. After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, "Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?" The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not." So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm. The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence. The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion. Eventually, they stood up, shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young." "Not really," said the old man, "when we were young, that fence wasn't electric."


50TH ANNIVERSARY #2 ...

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say ... should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I’m not surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."


TWO ALIENS ...

Two aliens land next to a gas station in metropolitan Detroit. They waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is a gas pump. Intending to make contact and immediately establish their superiority, the aliens approach the pump and the first one says, "Earthling, take me to your leader." Of course, he gets no response. So he tosses a meaningful look to his buddy, then addresses the pump again, "Earthling, I said, Take me to your leader." Of course, he still gets no response. So, the alien turns to his buddy and says, "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him." At that, the second alien replies, "OK. Do what you have to do, but I am just going to stand down there on the next block." The first alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the second alien to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling, I said take me to your leader." Still nothing. Angry and insulted, the alien pulls our his ray gun and vaporizes the pump. The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the first alien all the way to the next block and dropping him to the sidewalk next to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second alien. "If you knew this was going to happen, why didn't you warn me?" he asks. The second alien replies, "Well, I didn't exactly KNOW what was going to happen, but there's no way I'm gonna mess with a guy whose penis hangs to the ground, wraps twice around his body, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear."


DOCTOR’S ORDERS ...

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."


THE GODFATHER ...

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me? " The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well...ask him where the damn money is" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the damn money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."


OLD MANS WEDDING NIGHT ...

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."


MY CONDOLENCES ...

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning," He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?" He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."


THE HOSPITAL ...

Man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in Sisters of Charity hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet.” It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."


GOD AND THE BLONDE ...

A blond woman named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this one. Buy a ticket."


CHEATING ...

A man suspects his wife is cheating on him. One day, he dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid" , said the man. The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house." The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" The woman replied, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot my wife and the jerk she's with." The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and the gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here." A long pause and the man says, "Is this 832-4821?"


AUTOMATIC RADIO ...

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working. "Madam", said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is so advanced it is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!" She drives out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said "Nelson". The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" Soon, she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the Road Again." The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it. Suddenly, at a traffic light, her's turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sports utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a head-on collision. "ASSHOLE", she muttered. And, from the radio ... ”Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.”


SKIN GRAFT ...

A young lady got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery, so her husband offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. After the successful surgery, others agreed that the young lady was as beautiful as she was before the accident. One evening, the young lady suddenly broke down crying. "What's the matter?" her husband asked. "I can't believe you did this for me," she cried. Her husband hugged her and replied, "Don't worry, dear, I love you and I would do anything for you." But, how will I ever repay you?" she asked. "You don't need to repay me," said the husband. "You wouldn't believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek."


BIRTH CONTROL ...

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it." The next woman says "I am too, but we use the rhythm method." The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method." "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?" the others ask. "Well, I'm five foot eleven . . . and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get as big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."


DR. CHANG'S DIAGNOSIS ...

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex, in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." So she did. "Now, get down on arr fours and crawr reery fass to the oder side of room." So, she did. Dr. Chang then said, "OK now crawr reery fass to me," so she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem reery bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease ... worse case I efer see...that why you not haf sex or dates." Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."


THE DRUNK ...

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the heck is going on?" The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."


AN ENVIRONMENTALLY CORRECT JOKE ...

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?" The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."


ENGINEERS ...

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea, and I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


ELMO JOB ...

A woman desperately looking for work goes to the Tickle Me Elmo Factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets that he has no jobs worthy of her skills. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" assembly line. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00 am the next day. The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" Assembly Line Manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman he just hired. After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to Kingdom Come. Right at the end of the line is the woman he had hired. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically and finally after several minutes of rolling laughter he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles"


THE LAKE ...

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches...I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed." There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him." There was a bear on the shore thinking, " Gosh if that fly goes down three inches...that fish will jump for the fly ... and I will eat him." It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches ... and that fish leaps for it ... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch." [You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but... there was more.] A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, " Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich." A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...then I can have mouse for lunch." The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly... the bear grabs the fish... the hunter shoots the bear... the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... the cat jumps for the mouse... the mouse ducks... the cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches .... pussy may be in danger.


SPORTS FANS ...

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he shits the bed. The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?" The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."


HI-TECH GUY ...

Hi-Tech Guy walks into a bar a guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy replies, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says, "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", says the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by, and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagle up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns and says, "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."


HELL ...

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine, coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay ... you're already dead.
Guy: Golly!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh.  You're gonna hate Fridays.


HALLOWEEN WAFFLING ...

There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir: Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate." The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says "Dear Sir: please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part." Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a Caramel apple!"


GOLF ...

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right ... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."


MEETING THE PARENTS ...

A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!!!" The woman thought, 'This is great! and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!!!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, 'yes!'. A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit" Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"


CATS ...

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"


THE MARTIANS ...

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member -- about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache -- she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."


HOW BIG ...

Mark decided to propose to Juanita, but prior to her acceptance Juanita had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Mark that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was ok because he loved her soooo much. However, Mark felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Mark looked Juanita in the eyes and said...."I too had a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married." She said "yes I would marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis." Juanita and Mark got married and they could not wait for their Honeymoon. Mark whisked Juanita off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another . . . As Juanita put her hands in Mark's pants she began to scream and run out of the room Mark ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said to Mark, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" Mark said, yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces 19" long!!


NEW APARTMENT ...

Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young woman and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she is wearing nothing under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..." He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!" She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?" Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."


SEXUAL HARASSMENT ...

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice." The woman replies, "He's a midget."


PICK UP LINE ...

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."


OLD MAN ...

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who is pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver," "Exactly my point," said the doctor.


THE LITTLE OLD LADY AND THE BET ...

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."


THREE OLD LADIES ...

Three old ladies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old man walked by, and one of the old ladies said, "We bet we can tell how old you are." The old man said "There ain't no way you can guess it." One of the old ladies said: "Sure we can. Drop your pants!" He did. The three ladies looked at him for a few moments and then the other lady said, "Take off your underwear." The guy dropped his underwear and the old ladies stared at him for a while longer and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!!" The old man was stunned. "Amazing. How did you guess that?" The old ladies laughed, "You told us yesterday."


TONGUE TIED IN A NUT SHOP ...

A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's ever seen in his life. The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise, and asks, "ess-tues me ser?" "Yes sir," replied the clerk. "Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?" "Pistachio's? They're six dollars a pound." "SSit!" The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks "welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons?" "Almonds? They're seven fifty a pound." "SSIT!" Replied the tongue-tied man. "Welp, how bout your pikanns?" "Pecans? They're on sale today, they're only four fifty a pound." "Welp, Ssit. Just div me a poulnd of dose dhen." "Alright then," says the clerk, and begins bagging up a pound of pecans. Then, the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, "Sirr, I just wana tay tank you fo not maken phun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it." The clerk replies with a smile. "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that. I don't make fun of anybody, for any thing! I don't know if you noticed, or not, but I have a rather large nose." The tongue-tied guy replies, "Oh, is dat your noze? I tought dat wuz your penis, your nutz arr so damn high!"


NURSING HOME ...

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right? they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."


PUSH ...

A man is asleep in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "Damn! I'm not getting out of bed this time of night!", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy is drunk" says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the drunk replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."


THE PICKLE SLICER ...

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?" "For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!" The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?" "Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too."


OUT FOR A DRIVE ...

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him! "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 .... then the reality of the situation hit him!! "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car he said, "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving, that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.


SPAGHETTI ...

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back." "I'll take care of the child's expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.


AILMENTS ...

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww-what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?" "I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes." The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess ... Small cox?"


SIPPING VODKA ...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his Donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said," Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


GETTING OLDER ...

Three seniors were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second senior chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem---knock on wood." She rapped her knuckles on the table and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it."


SENIOR MOMENT ...

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. They came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn she just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection; the light was red again, they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right though it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know we just went through three red lights in a row!! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh shit, am I driving?"


STUTTERER ...

A guy walks into a doctor's office and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I've ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can't stand it anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?" The doctor answers "Well, I'll have to give you a thorough examination first, but in some cases there is a cure." So the doctor puts the guy through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what's causing your stuttering." The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wa-wa-what is it, da-da-doctor?" "It's your penis. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large penis - it's almost two feet long. It seems the weight is putting a strain on your vocal cords which most men never have to deal with. "The guy asks, "Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do?" "Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one." "Do it!" the guy replies. So they go through the operation, and three weeks later the guy comes in for a follow up appointment. He says, "Doc, you solved my stuttering problem. I don't know how to thank you. But I've only had sex once in three weeks my wife just doesn't like it anymore with my new, shorter penis. I've thought about it, and I decided I can put up with the stuttering easier than going without the sex - I want you to put my long one back on." The doctor says, "No-no-nope. Ada-da-deal's a da-da-deal!"


LAWYERS ...

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her."


THE SPOON ...

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift." As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of ... you know ... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent" "Okay, that makes sense, but ... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."


THE BARBER ...

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."


TRUE FAN ...

A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field. He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken. The man replied, "No." Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?" The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away." "Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?" "No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."


ALASKA ...

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender. "We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon." The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "Well, you found her." Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."


ALASKA #2 ...

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road ... Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00." "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" Lars replied, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."


HOTEL GUEST ...

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."


JAGER ...

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots! Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blow job" "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir but if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."


PLANE TRIP ...

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."


DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT ...

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?


THE COMA ...

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. The doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."


ALLIGATOR ...

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".


ELEVATOR ...

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?" The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown. The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around!"


DEATH ...

An old man, Mr. Silverberg, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Silverberg, "My penis died today." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Silverberg, please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr. Silverberg was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Silverberg," she said, "I thought you told me that your penis had died?" "It did," he replied. "Today's the viewing.”


THE THINGIE ...

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his 'thing.' So, he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his 'thingie,' which he left sticking out. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the 'thing' sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world." The other lady asked what she meant. She replied, “When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm to old to squat.”


LITTLE OLD COUPLE ...

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered, "The teeth".


TRAINING ...

At the 1999 World Women's Conference the first speaker, from England, stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast of lamb." The crowd cheered. The second speaker, from France, stood up: "After last years conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered. The third speaker, from Alabama, stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his cooking, cleaning or shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day. I could see a little bit out of my left eye.”


DINNER WITH THE PARENTS ...

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells the boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, a 10-pack or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. Quickly, the boy offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Then minutes pass and still not movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."


TWO OLD MEN ...

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the house, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blowup" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned ... how was it for you?" The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast ... she farted and flew out the window!"


OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD ...

There once was a yellow toad that wanted very much to be green like all the other toads. One day he decided, on the advice of another toad, to pay a visit to the Fairy Godmother. So off he hopped. When he reached the Fairy Godmother he said, "Fairy Godmother, I would like to be green like all the other little toads." So, without hesitation, the Fairy Godmother tapped him on his little head with her magic wand ... BING. And behold, he turned green ... all except for his penis, which remained yellow. "Fairy Godmother!" he exclaimed, "What about my..." "I'm sorry, little toad," she replied, "You will have to see the Wizard for that. I don't DO penises." So, away he went. Along came a pink elephant. He too wanted to be gray like all the other gray elephants. So, he approached the Fairy Godmother with his request. The Fairy Godmother was very willing to solve his problem and promptly tapped him on his trunk with her magic wand ... BING. But, as you may already have guessed, his penis remained pink. Upon discovering this, he protested, but the Fairy Godmother insisted that she did NOT do penises and would have to see the Wizard. "The Wizard?" queried the elephant, "Where would I find him?" She replied, "Follow the yellow-dicked toad.”


IRISH TOAST ...

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come!"


UNIONS ...

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered. Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said as he handed the Madam $100.00. He then looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said. I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and she's next."


MOTHER NATURE ...

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden ... POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life! Then POOF! ... She was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred! For the love of God, DON'T SWING!"

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